So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
