wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
