Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
