It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
