yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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