so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
