sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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