Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
