Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
