I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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