Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
