I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize