ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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