After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i black out too much to be "responsible"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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