Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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