you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
