even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize