Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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