he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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