I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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