The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
