Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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