my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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