How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize