it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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