ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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