ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
