you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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