my phone needs a breathalizer
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
