God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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