Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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