i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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