I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
