I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
