textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
