I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
