i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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