omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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