I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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