my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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