dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
