I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
