i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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