im six kinds of drunk right now
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
