I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
