the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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