oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I bet he comes in French.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
