i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
