I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
