He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
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