I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
