Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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