the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
